A Year Ago Today...

One of Lisa's favorite quotes:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
~Nelson Mandela

Lisa, Kristen, Me & Lori in 2001

Posted on Lisa's Carepages today by her family:

Our dear, dear Team Lisa,
I really don't know what to say to you but I feel compelled to say something. Today is a sad day as it ends our first year of life without Lisa. I think we were all anxious for this day to come, hoping it would be a milestone that would magically lessen our pain and sorrow. It is in a way as I personally find more of my thoughts of Lisa to be good memories rather than the painful memories of her illness and this day one year ago. The past year has been filled with all of you and your messages, calls, cards, kindnesses, donations and support. We know that as we think of our gratitude to you that you too are thinking of Lisa today and everyday.

As you all know, our family's grief extends far beyond what we anticipated just a month ago. We take some comfort in the fact that Doug is with Lisa and she is taking good care of him. We also hope they are driving fast cars with music blaring, playing golf everyday and that the stock market in Heaven is permanently at an all time high. Lisa has taught us how to grieve and survive. We have learned that it is the positive thoughts and memories that get us over the rough spots and we have learned to cry at a moment's notice and not be embarrassed about it.

We have also learned that life goes on and take great comfort in the fact that our friends continue to remember Lisa and Doug. Our first grandchild will be born in late March and Lisa's good friends, Kit and Laura Hughes, have named their new baby Zoë Annelisa. My brother, Mike, had emergency triple bypass surgery 5 days ago and is doing great thanks to his extra angels. And your generosity in supporting organizations seeking cures for leukemia (including financial support, hikes, marathons, bone marrow drives) is astounding and we are so grateful.

We have decided to shut down Lisa's Carepages at the beginning of the year. I will send you information about ordering copies which include Lisa's messages and all the messages to her. It is a beautiful chronology using Lisa's own words and those of her "team" to inspire us and remind us of her courage, love and optimism. More to follow on that.

Meanwhile, enjoy this day as Lisa and Doug would have – pretend Dad and Daughter are together snorkeling the beautiful reefs of the Bahamas or just busy taking care of all of us.

We love you.

Lynn, Chris and Shannon

Saying Goodbye

"Live life possessed

Exceed your expectations

And never, never give up."

Lisa & Doug in the Bahamas

Last week the unimaginable happened.  As one of Doug's friends said at his service, "We lost a giant."  Wednesday morning of last week we received the news that Doug White, Lisa's dad, was killed in a car accident.  Those of us who know and love the Whites are still reeling with shock over the death of such an amazing man.  Especially since it hasn't even been a year since we lost Lisa.  I've struggled since the day we got that dreaded phone call with what (if anything) I wanted to say on this blog about losing Doug.  And I'm not really sure that I have anything to say...there really are no words.

But, what I would like to say is how much I want to take a piece of Doug's spirit with me in all that I do.  Everyone who spoke at his service (personal, professional and family) had one thing in common to say...which is that Doug "lived life to its fullest."  And he did.  There is no wondering where Lisa got that quality from.  Doug and Lynn White have taught both Kit and me so much about treating your friends as family and your family as friends.  The entire White clan are some of the most generous people I have ever known.  And I wish so much to carry their spirit of giving into the lives that God places in my path.

Please keep the White family in your thoughts and prayers.  So much loss...it really is unimaginable.  Hold the ones you love tight.  We really have no guarantee of what tomorrow is going to bring.

...in their element

Doug White

October 11, 1941 - October 14, 2008

08.08.08*

Today I am carrying around the memory of an event that will never happen. Today we should be in the Bahamas. Today we should be celebrating Lisa's marriage to John. I remember so well when she told us they were planning their wedding for this date in the Bahamas. I was amazed by her hope and ability to continue living and planning even when she was submerged in treatments and Dr. visits. She had just completed her stem cell transplant and was living with the full conviction that healing was inevitable. Let's plan a wedding! Kit set up a website for the event and they sent out save the date cards. 08.08.08...They chose this day because John's hockey number is 8 and they thought it would be an easy way for him to remember their anniversary. This was going to be a celebration like none other. We were already anticipating so much to be grateful for. After everything they had battled, they deserved to have the party of the decade.

I was pregnant with my second pregnancy when they started planning the wedding and the baby was due in May. I remember being so concerned about what I was going to do with our 3 month old while we made the trip to the Bahamas. I couldn't imagine being away from such a small baby...but how would a 3 month old do with such a trip? I wanted to be able to kick back and enjoy the festivities...but already I was a protective mommy and didn't want to think about leaving my little one. What a life lesson this all has been....because here we are today, no wedding trip to the Bahamas and no 3 month old baby. Sometimes you really have no idea how things are going to go.

I have been missing Lisa in a very selfish way the past few weeks. It's funny the way grief sneaks up on you and hits you in seemingly random ways. I had one of those moments the other day where I was struck with such an obvious fact it seemed odd that I was even having such thoughts. I don't remember exactly what I was doing...but, all of a sudden the thought popped in my mind, "Oh my goodness...Lisa never even knew I was pregnant. Her last memory of me was my last miscarriage." And even as I was thinking this, another part of me was thinking, "Well, duh, Laura...of course she didn't." But even as obvious as this is, the reality of it still took my breath away like it was the first time I realized it.

I had the same type of moment when I watched The Business of Being Born a month or so ago. The movie itself is a fairly emotional documentary about pregancy and childbirth in America...and I suppose I am in a pretty hormonal way right now. Anyways, at the end of the movie they played an Emmylou Harris song about angels. I'm not really sure what song it is, but it hit me swift and strong. Lisa loved Emmylou. And the combination of images of new babies and Emmylou crooning about angels sent me over the edge. I began sobbing uncontrollably with the realization that that is what Lisa is to us now...an angel. She won't be here when our daughter is born. She won't rub on my growing belly and giggle at how big I'm getting. She won't share in all the little memories I've been holding so dear. And most painful of all...baby girl will never know her Aunt Lisa. And while all this stuff is so obvious and selfish...it still hits me sometimes like I'm just now learning of her death.

So today I hold my open palms up to God. I say thank you for my precious daughter...for her heartbeat and breath and little kicks. I embrace my gratitude and happiness and lightness of being that I felt so far from a year ago. And I also embrace my sadness. I let myself question why Lisa is gone. I let my tears flow for all the plans that didn't get to be...for weddings we'll never get to celebrate and babies we'll never get to hold. And isn't this living? Always teetering between the bitter and the sweet. I accept it all...and pray for the strength to walk through all seasons of life with hope, gratitude and a very big love.

*How bizarre is it that I made this post at exactly 8am??

Fred

Tonight we're going to see Fred Eaglesmith play at Eddie's Attic.  Fred was one of Lisa's favorite artists and Lisa, Lori, Kristen and I (the bad girls) have made many a road trip to watch him play.  This was actually how the four of us became so close.  We shared a mutual love of music and traveling...and what better way to combine the two than to road trip to see a good show.  We especially loved seeing Fred because his shows were always so fun & high energy.  Plus, Fred is hilarious and always puts on a good show. And of course there is the fact that he loves us. ;)  He affectionately calls us "The Georgia Girls" and always has time to sit down and share a drink with us before his shows.

Our love for Fred went up several notches during Lisa's battle with Leukemia.  He and Lisa always had a unique bond and he proved to be strong enough to be a true friend even when things were rough.  Who knew our country-rock, good ole Canadian would be talking Lisa through treatments and be so willing to support?  Lisa once said to me after a phone call with Fred, "Laurie, I think this is why we met him."  Wow.

So, tonight we're going to see Fred play.  The first year after you lose someone close to you is full of firsts...first holidays, first birthdays.  This will be the first time seeing Fred...and the significance is not lost.  It's also the first time we've seen Fred since his dear bandmate Willie P. passed away earlier this year.  Lisa, we know the music you and Willie P. are hearing cannot compare to anything we've ever heard.  That won't stop us from wishing ya'll were here...and feeling that things just aren't right when you're not.  

I know Lisa's spirit will be there.  I will picture her rolling her eyes when Fred says something silly...and smiling that perfect smile when he plays "Water in the Fuel."  You will be so missed tonight, Lisa.  We'll give Fred a big hug for ya.

Home

"Lisa loved the ocean as she loved life."


We're home from our trip. Kit got home Monday and I got home Wednesday night. Lori, Kristen and I spent a couple of nights in Miami after our stay in the Bahamas. Lori had a free 2 night stay at the Loews and she was gracious enough to let us benefit! Thanks for letting us mooch, Lori! I could really grow accustomed to that lifestyle! ;)

Well, I'm not really ready to write anything profound (or otherwise) about our trip. I'm still feeling pretty emotionally and physically drained from everything. I tried my best to keep up with all of the activities and now my little pregnant self is paying for it. Oh well...totally worth it.

I hope you'll take a few seconds to watch the video above. I must give props to Lisa's dear (and famous ;) ) friend Rob Poynter for shooting it. Thank the Lord for underwater cameras! So, this is Lisa's new home complete with 2 of her signature scarfs. I'll tell you more about the whole process when I'm up to writing about it. For now, imagine 45 people snorkeling around...trying our best to stay afloat for as long as possible. It's really hard to cry while you're treading water.

Lisa's reef has 2 medallions on it. One has her name and dates. If you couldn't read it well in the video, the other says, "Lisa loved the ocean as she loved life."

Celebrating Lisa

This Friday we're heading to the Bahamas for a weekend of celebrating Lisa's life.  The place where we are going is Lisa's "happy place" and full of summer memories for Lisa and her family.  Many, many thanks to Doug and Lynn for hosting our trip and letting us be a part of such a uniquely Lisa experience.

For those of you that I haven't shared this with, I'll tell you a little about what this trip is involving.  Back in February Lisa's family took her ashes down to the Bahamas and went through the arduous and emotional task of making a memorial reef.  I had never heard of anything like this before!  Lynn & Doug described the process to us when they came home.  Basically you take your loved one's ashes and mix them with concrete to form a memorial structure (man-made reef) to be placed in the ocean.  They said it was physically hard work, not to mention the tears.  The memorial reef serves two functions: 1) It provides a permanent living legacy for your deceased loved one. 2) The reef helps to support and revitalize the ecosystem in the ocean.  That's our Lisa, giving and contributing even in her death.  

So, about 45 of Lisa's friends and family are making the trip to witness the placing of her memorial reef.  Her new home.  And once it is in the ocean we get to snorkel around and check it out.  I'm sure it will be a joyous, yet emotional day.

Prayers for safe travels are greatly appreciated.  We'll also take any extra prayers for strength. ;)  I know this is a trip of celebration in a wildly beautiful part of the world.  But, it's still hard to think about the reason we are making this trip without getting that familiar lump in my throat.

We love you, Lisa!  And we miss you like crazy.  I hope our efforts to honor and celebrate your life make you smile.  You always did have the best smile.

As only Lisa could say...Rock Out!!