The Miracle of Life

The Miracle of Life

Before you were conceived

I wanted you, before you were born

I loved you and before you were here 

an hour, I would sacrifice everything for you

My mom bought me this angel a few weeks ago after I fell in love with the message.  I have just recently gotten to where I can read it without tearing up.  It reminds me so much of our babies we lost and it puts into words so beautifully why miscarriage is so heartbreaking.  These babies were so wanted and so loved even though we will never know this side of heaven who they were.  This message so validates the pain I have been feeling for the past year.  I could never quite put into words why it never comforted me to hear, "Don't worry you'll have your baby one day" or "It just wasn't in God's plan" or "You'll get pregnant again soon."  All of those things, while true, were never the point.  The pain was coming from losing someone I already wanted and loved so much.  And for the life of me, I haven't yet figured out how to stop loving someone once that seed has been planted.

I know it's a hard thing to understand...loving someone you don't know or can't see.  And so many people view miscarriage as something to pretend never happened.  Boy, do I wish I could do that.  But, I imagine that God created us to be affected by the lives around us no matter how long or short they may be.  I think about my Nana who is gracefully and beautifully living her 103rd year on this Earth.  Oh how many lives she has touched during her life!  The little lives that were given to me for such a short time have also molded and changed me in so many ways.  And I can't even begin to describe the way my life has been affected by knowing and loving Lisa.  I guess this is the miracle of life.

It is also part of the reality of death.  I know it's cliche, but we will all one day die.  And we have no idea when the chapter of our physical lives (and those we love) will close.  So what are we to do in the meantime?  Stop loving so much because we never know when we'll lose those around us?  Believe me, that thought has crossed my mind more than once this year.  The pain of losing my 2 babies and then one of my dearest friends has been at times more than I ever wanted to bear.  And many times I have thought...Are you kidding me?  I do not want to feel like this again, ever!  And yet the only way to not feel that pain is to stop loving...and like I said, I haven't figured out how to do that yet.  I guess I don't really want to.

So, here I am again...loving, dreaming, hoping beyond hope that this little one will join our family.  Because I have no other choice.  This little one is already so loved, so wanted, so woven into the fabric of who I am.