1 Month

Dear Zoë,

My sweet precious angel, today you are one month old.  It's so hard for me to believe you have already been with us for a month.  Everyone says how fast these weeks go by...and they are right.  And you, little missy, are changing so much!  We took you for your one month pediatrician appointment today and you did so well.  You totally charmed the Doctor and pleasantly enough kept your screaming to a bare minimum.  You now weigh 9lbs 12oz and you are 22in long.  I couldn't hide my excitement that you have gained two pounds and your daddy said, "Well, I think you are proud of yourself!"  And I am!  Nursing is challenging and very time consuming.  Most days I feel like that is all I have accomplished.  But seeing you on that scale today made me realize that it's working!  And, yes, I am very proud.

My greatest joy the past week has been seeing your smiles.  I quickly realized that what we are seeing aren't "gas smiles" at all!  You are smiling in response to hearing our voices and seeing our faces.  Talk about making a Mama and Daddy melt!  And of course there are the drifting off to sleep smiles which are equally as precious...as well as the full on in-your-sleep belly laugh.  Too cute!  The only difficulty is actually capturing these smiles with the camera.  You'll have to forgive all the obnoxious noises and faces we make trying to get a good shot.  We just want to share all the cuteness with everyone else.  

You are also becoming much more alert and attentive during the day.  You like to see faces and interact as opposed to sitting by yourself.  It took a few weeks, but you are now enjoying the swing more and will stay in it for more than two minutes (which is about all you would tolerate at first).  You are also starting to notice the rotating mobile that's above your head in the swing.  You still don't like riding in your carseat.  Your daddy and I have to really turn the music up to get you to stop screaming.  Thank goodness you like good music!

As you can see you still have all of your fabulous hair.  Everyone says it will eventually fall out...but you haven't lost any of it yet.  And at this point I can't imagine you without it! 

The past few weeks have been difficult and challenging in ways I never could have imagined.  I don't think there is any way to fully prepare for all the physical and emotional demands a newborn requires.  And there is definitely no way to understand how the complete lack of sleep will wear you down.  Everyone tells me, "Don't worry, it gets better."  And I am believing them.  I know you are just adjusting to your new life and what you want more than anything is to be held close.  But, being a new mom is hard...and there are so many books that try to tell you exactly how to do things.  These books can make you feel like if you don't do things "their way" you're doing everything wrong.  As if we don't already feel inadequate enough!

So, after a couple of weeks of trying to buy into a parenting style I don't believe in I am letting go.  I have decided to throw out all the books that tell me to not to spoil you by holding you too much...and not to let you fall asleep in my arms or you'll never sleep on your own...and to get you on a schedule or you'll never sleep through the night.  I am following my mother's advice and trusting my instincts.  And my instincts tell me that this is your "fourth trimester" and what you want and need more than anything is to be held and comforted and loved.  My job for now is to feed you when you want to eat and show you by my comforting arms that this world is ok.  Since I realized all of this and let go of following someone else's ideas things have felt more natural around here.  We'll work on schedules and what not next month.

Zoë, for all the challenging and difficult moments...there are just as many moments of sheer awe.  Sometimes I just sit and look at you and say silent prayers of thankfulness that you are finally here.  And oh that smile makes it all worth it.  I can't say it enough, little one...Thank you for choosing us.

Love,

Mama