18 Weeks

Four down...five to go!  That's right, it's five months until baby's due date.  At times I find myself thinking, "Five months?  It seems so long!"  Other times the thoughts are more like, "Five months?  Are you kidding me?!  How are we ever going to get everything done?!"  Ah, good times.

I just got home from my 18 week Dr. appointment and it seems things are still going well.  We heard the heartbeat again and did some more blood tests.  Kit even had to get stuck with a needle this time.  Since we found out that I am a carrier for the cystic fibrosis gene we decided to get Kit tested to see if he is also a carrier.  You can see from the ticker above we are counting down to our 20 week ultrasound.  The big day is June 18th.

At the end of this week I started feeling these little "bubbles" in my tummy.  It took me a few days to really start believing that it's the baby.  By Friday I was more aware and paying attention when they would happen.  It's the coolest sensation!  I've heard it described as goldfish swimming in your tummy...and that's kind of what it's like.  It happens really fast though.  And usually it will happen once...and then not happen again for a while.  I tell Kit the baby is "dancing" when I feel it.  And the dancing usually happens when I'm sitting or lying down.  I can especially feel it at night before I go to bed and first thing in the morning.  I'm assuming this is a preview of movement to come.  (Cue to all the mothers in my life telling me to enjoy sleeping while I can!) ;)

And speaking of sleeping...I'm still comfortably sleeping on my back.  But, I'm sure this will come to an end soon.  I'm not really sure when you're supposed to start sleeping on your side.  I guess when lying on your back is uncomfortable?  If any of you mommies have suggestions on pillow arrangements for when that lovely time comes...I would be very appreciative.  That whole sleeping on your side with mounds of pillows propping you up has always been very intimidating to me.  I am totally NOT a side sleeper as it is.  So, it should be interesting.

I'm still looking pretty much the same.  No poppage yet...still just pudge.  I was going to take a belly picture this week, but I think I'm going to wait until there's something more to see.  I'm still not ready for maternity shirts...but, my old wardrobe is quickly shrinking.  And I forgot to mention last week my new friend that has accompanied my growing body...back pain.  I have never really experienced much back pain in my life, so this is new.  It started around week 13 after we got home from the Bahamas and I thought maybe it was from carrying around heavy bags and whatnot.  Oh no...it's not from carrying around those kind of bags! ;)  I quickly realized the pain was located right around my bra strap.  So, needless to say my back is just protesting against the new size of my chest.  

This week I have definitely "turned a corner" as my midwife said.  I have SO much more energy and can finally say I feel good.  Yesterday I went all day without a nap and even stayed awake until 10:00...with no plans!  This is huge, people!  I am so grateful to finally be feeling somewhat normal.  I was starting to question whether it was going to happen.

And not only am I feeling physically good, but I'm also just feeling good and happy in general.  For the past year and a half I have felt either some form of low-high grade depression, fear, anxiety or just general sadness.  And for good reason, I know.  But, going from depression to morning sickness with not much of a break was a little unnerving.  And I had moments where I had no memory of what it felt like to just feel "good."  It's not that I haven't felt complete gratitude or excitement about this baby...I just haven't felt good.  And I really was ok with that.  But this week happiness and energy and lightness of being have surprised me and are hopefully going to take my hand and walk with me a bit.  

I became very acquainted and comfortable with grief and sadness this year.  I learned the place they have in all of our lives and slowly accepted that they were my chosen companions for a season.  With good counseling, good friends and a supportive husband I truly grieved the loss of my babies and our dear Lisa.  At times I was so scared of what I was feeling.  Scared that if I gave in I would never return.  But I trusted that if I didn't grieve now...the grief would surely find me later.  And so I let grief and sorrow and disappointment have me for a while.  And it wasn't fun.

I say all that to say that I know I needed to go to those depths.  I needed to be in the valley and feel all of the sorrow in order to taste happiness and joy in all of it's fullness.  I needed to learn how to praise and trust God when things were so dark in order to become the mother I always wanted to be.  I had so much fear and control I needed to let go of in order to enjoy the gifts that are right in front of me.  And today, I am so so very grateful to feel happy and good.