Our yummy dinner at Spoon was half pleasure and half business. Avent is one of Philips Design's clients and both Brian and Kit are working on their website. (For those of you who don't know Avent makes bottles, breast pumps, pacifiers, etc.) So, Kit and Brian picked our brains about pregnancy/baby related things to help with their marketing.
One of the questions Brian asked me was if I had started thinking about what brands of baby stuff we will use. And it's funny the reaction I had inside. Rita asked me the same question earlier this week about bottles and I had the same reaction. I didn't answer him with what I was feeling...I just said, "No, we haven't really gone there yet." When the truth is I haven't "gone there" because somewhere in the back of my head I am still having trouble believing that we really will bring this baby home. It's not that I'm 24/7 scared or even living with excessive worry. I'm just finding it hard to do much planning that will obviously need to be done. I forced myself to go to a baby consignment shop the other day to look at cribs. I took one spin around and marched out the door. I don't know why, but I felt like an impostor...like I didn't belong. It's like I was afraid the sales lady was going to call me out or something.
I'm hoping this will get better when I start feeling the baby move and I'm showing more. I'm hoping. I've just seen and read so much this year...and I wish I didn't know all that could/does happen to women just like me. Healthy, strong, conscientious women lose their babies too...and not just in the first trimester. I did alot of reading this year on message boards connecting with other women in similar situations. They don't separate losses on these boards...pregnancy loss is pregnancy loss whether it's at 8 weeks or 38. So I ended up reading about things that I had previously been so sheltered from. And I can honestly think of no more devastating scenario than coming home from the hospital with empty arms to a fully decorated nursery. But what makes me special? Why should I get to bring home a healthy baby when so many women don't?
I try not to dwell on these thoughts too much. First of all, I know it's completely out of my hands what happens with this pregnancy. And I also know the power of positive thinking. I'm just learning how to balance all of the back and forth feelings of excitement and fear...and give myself space to have both in healthy doses. I'm slowly letting go of my disappointment in not being able to have that blissfully ignorant, carefree pregnancy. My experience is what it is...and it is what God has given me. I will continue to pray that this baby will join our family. I will pray for the strength to be the mother I need to be. And I will pray that I can let go of my fear just enough to be able to buy a crib and at least a couple of onesies. ;)
3 comments:
I don't know that any pregnancy is "blissfully ignorant & carefree". If one is, I hope to have one! :o) Anyway, I just wanted to say that your feelings of "being called out" are also "normal"...not just because of all you've been through. Until I started showing, I was always afraid someone was going to say "Uhm..this is the pregnancy section..." Now, I do not compare my pregnancy to yours. I just wanted to say...you're normal. :o) LOVE YOU!
I felt many of the same things and I have not gone through anything like you. Every person has their own time line and you should not rush yourself. You will get there and there will be a moment when you connect with your baby. Feeling it move and finding out the sex were big things for me. Although, I still have a hard time accepting that we will have another person in our life within a month. Maybe when she is crying in the middle of the night, I will know it is real. PS - I would be happy to go shopping with you anytime you are ready.
Laura, Hi! Dave and I are very excited for you and I completely understand how you're feeling. I didn't really think I would bring my girls home until I was about 34 weeks pregnant. But I also believe in the power of positive thinking. With that in mind, I'll also pass along some advice...do all you can to get ready now, because it will be hard later! Also, I wanted to let you know if you find out you are having a girl let us know, we have some clothes for you.
Like you need anything else to think about...I don't know what your feelings are on this subject but I do know I wish I'd seen this website when I was pregnant, or before Page hit 35 weeks...so for now I'll pass it on to you:
www.babiesforlife.org
It's the only site I've seen that talks about cord blood donation in Atlanta. I found the brochure when I was going through my hospital stuff this weekend.
Wishing you all the Best!
Michele T.
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